All Those Things
by rushmore
Summary: James Potter makes a wishlist of things he wishes that he hadn't done, and things that Lily Evans hadn't done, and things that shouldn't be happening right now, because he is so, so tiny, and this house is supposed to be safe.


Author's Note:

So I love Lily and James, and I love avoiding history notes.

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_Lily should never have fallen in love with me_, James thinks.

He's here. Voldemort is here, here being home, where the heart is. Voldemort is here, and their baby is so little and he has tufts of black hair and wide, wide eyes that aren't scared of anything and he's so _small._

He's here, and James doesn't even know where to begin; does he grab Lily and Harry and run or does he face down Voldemort or does he pinch himself and wake up?

But then words are falling out of his mouth: "Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" He doesn't even have time to acknowledge that those words are a jumbled mix of what's in his head and are probably very, very stupid, because he is James Potter, and James Potter has never been good at improvisation when it comes to Lily Evans.

_Lily should have fallen in love with Remus_, James thinks.

Remus would have been good for her. They would have discussed books and Great Literature and the ethical dilemmas of werewolves and James doesn't know why he's turning one of his best friends into some pansy-ass idiot but it seems like the thing to do. Lily and Remus. They sound good together; they could have been librarians. Libraries are safe. Libraries close when it gets dark, and people check out books and people check in books and it's all very, very safe.

Lily grabs Harry and streams past James; he thinks he hears her say, "I love you," but he can't quite tell anymore, on account of the loud ringing in his ears.

_Lily should have fallen in love with Sirius, _James thinks.

Sirius would have loved her so much that he would have broken his own heart in two, because Sirius is just the kind of person who, when choosing to do something, plunges all the way in, not caring that he's drowning. Sirius would have grabbed her and flown off on his motorbike and shown her the world and terrified her by threatening to leap off and die, right there, right in front of her, and she would have grabbed hold of him and slapped him and they'd still be in love. Sirius would have fought with her constantly, and he'd leave sometimes, just so that she couldn't leave first, and then he would have realized that Lily, being Lily, would never leave anyone she loved, and so he would have came home and silently handed her a beer and kissed her neck fervently. He would have down all of these things, and James might have hated him for it, but it would have been fine. _She _would have been fine. Sirius would never have let her fight in the war; he would have been too scared. Sirius would have been good for her.

Lily's feet pound on the staircase and James knows that Voldemort is going to blast this whole fucking house down and it was so safe; it was _supposed _to be so safe.

_Lily should have fallen in love with Peter, _James thinks desperately.

Peter would have worshipped her- not that James hadn't, but that had all changed one day in seventh year. James had glanced over at Lily during breakfast, and he saw her laughing so hard that her nose turned red, and he realized that she wasn't Lily Evans: Perfect Angel, but just Lily Evans. That same day, he asked her out for the 203th and a half time, and she said yes, smiling slightly and tucking a strand of red hair behind one ear, as if she was pleased that he'd discovered the secret, which, James later realized, he _had. _

She'd been waiting for him to take her off that pedestal he'd (cruelly) placed her on.

"Well I did, Lil, I really fucking did," he mutters to himself, moving through the haze that's entered his mind and their living room, and he finds himself in front of the staircase. He can just see the last traces of Lily's feet on the carpet.

Peter would have worshipped her, and he would have locked her in a cage and kept her safe. Except Lily would have found a way to shatter the lock and she would have hated Peter for keeping her safe, because Lily didn't want to be saved; she wanted to be outside, where the air was warm and the light hit your eyes so hard that it burned.

_Lily shouldn't have fallen in love with me, _James thinks, listening to the slow beat of his heart, which somehow is still pumping and still churning out blood and still thinking that it's all worth something.

Lily shouldn't have given him a second chance, and he shouldn't have locked his arm around her neck and whispered, "God_damn, _Evans," on their fifth date, because that led to flushed bodies and crumpled shirts and fleeting kisses on her arms and collarbone and so much (too much) feeling for two people so young. Lily shouldn't have smiled at him and he shouldn't have grabbed hold of her and kissed her so much, because that led to Lily sitting in his lap, tracing the veins in arms slowly, and _that _led to James falling asleep with his arms wrapped tightly around her. Lily shouldn't have said yes, and he shouldn't have asked her to, because it had been raining and they had been yelling and he'd suddenly had the _brilliant _idea to crouch down on one knee and shove the ring in her face- "Do a bloke a favor and shut up and marry me, will you, Lily? I love you."- and she shouldn't have let her mouth hang open and he shouldn't have loved her so much. Lily shouldn't have let him have the wedding outdoors, in the summer, because she had looked like the angel James had once thought her to be, and James shouldn't have let Sirius be the minister. Lily shouldn't have worn his old Quidditch jersey all the time, and he shouldn't have stared at her legs like he did, and she shouldn't have laughed so loudly at his stares. She shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and he shouldn't have beamed and strutted around the apartment for a week until Sirius clapped him on the back and proudly announced the end of James' social life, but that was okay, because Godfather Sirius was on the way, and Lily shouldn't have agreed with James that Sirius would be a perfect- _perfect- _godfather. Lily shouldn't have given birth to a tiny thing so small that James fainted when he saw Harry for the first time, and James shouldn't have bought Harry a tiny broomstick and taught him how to fly. Lily shouldn't have held James like she did, so softly but so tightly, and James shouldn't have held her the way he did, so softly but so tightly, and they both shouldn't have done a great many things.

_Lily shouldn't have fallen in love with me, _James thinks, spreading his arms out wide, and he wishes that he had never said, "Hey, Evans!" and he wishes that he had never thought all of these things because (he has to run them together) _Lily-and-Harry-and-Sirius-and-Remus-and-even-Pete_ are the best things that ever happened to him, and just as he's about to smile, the light hits him.

* * *

Author's Note:

This is my first time writing James and Lily..so..thoughts/reviews/comments/dance tips are very, very much appreciated.


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